This post has originally been written on October 13, 2022, my 26th birthday, while waiting for my train to Freiburg in Karlsruhe. It cuts abruptly due to a reason I unfortunately can’t remember right now, and contains many weird grammar & expression errors. Nevertheless, I wanted to record this as-is as a reference to the future, hopefully to read and reminisce on it in a better state.

Today is my birthday, 13th of October. When I count the previous ones, this one’s my fourth alone birthday.

I have never been someone who celebrates birthdays with a huge crowd. My birthdays usually are calm, just a couple of people gathered around and having light conversation. When looked from this point of view, it seems like it wouldn’t be a huge deal to spend them alone. After living through four of them as a loner, I can safely say that it’s a bigger deal than one imagines.

For example, I am spending this birthday at another city. I came in the morning, had to run some errands, and afterwards I wandered around the city. After a while of wandering, I found a really nice and cozy café and settled down. Place is really cute, small and feels almost like home. When I sat down, there were almost nobody in; but with time, it got more and more crowded, and eventually full. Right now, when I look around, I am the only alone person; and I’m occupying an area which can accomodate up to 4 people. People come in and take a look to find a place, but to their demise, there’s not a single empty table. As the guy who takes four-people worth of place, I can’t feel comfortable. I do know that it’s due to my obsessive awareness of my surroundings, but nonetheless, it’s not a nice feeling.